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totothewolff · 1 month ago

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Season of Love (9/?) [New chapter]

+18 | Toto x reader fem!teamprincipal, romance, comedy, and some good drama.

Summary: One night on a pier in Monaco, while admiring the sea under the night skies, you tell Toto: "I came to the conclusion that love is simply not meant for me." That's the answer to a question you have been asking yourself for the longest time. But what if he proved you wrong? Author's note: This is a multichapter Toto Wolff x team principal reader fic set along a season of F1. It's a very immersive story full of drivers, team dynamics, races, mystery, and smut. You just bought the Williams team, but nobody really knows who you truly are.

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The Sebaffäre Arc Chapter 9: Laps of Truth.

Netherlands

To no one's surprise, you don't show up at Zandvoort either.

Seb notices Charles worrying about you and your well-being, looking a bit stressed, whispering about your status with Sam at the opportunity given as they cross paths on the pitlane near where Sebastian is.

Leclerc isn't acting that discreetly or quietly, but Seb is sure he believes no one around them gets what they two are talking about.

Seb hears Sam gossiping with him about something he already knows by now as he fixes his balaclava. Vettel fights his urge to step into the conversation to tell Charles you are more than all right, just busy with the raid you guys are preparing on Lenkov.

Anyway, he feels like a terrible teammate and a worst friend for not reassuring Charles everything is fine. But lately, he can't fight the feelings he has developed for you.

Now, his loyalty is on your side.

Niki smells the alcohol in Toto's sweat, sitting millimeters away from him at the garage.

"You haven't made up your mind," Niki's words break his trance. Toto looked disassociated with his eyes lost in the monitor showing Sky Sports' live broadcast as the cameraman is inside the Williams garage.

"Pardon?" Toto answers. A shy smile forms on his lips as he tilts his head, turning around to face the old man, an eyebrow already going up.

"About your "situation" with Y/N, or are you waiting for it to consume you completely? Please, don't tell me it's just a coincidence when she disappears you always end up looking like this." He gestures with his hand to Toto's body.

Toto becomes self-conscious about his appearance on the spot.

"I'm with Suzanne," he says, slightly offended.

Niki glances at Toto before adding: "It's not my business, I know, but I worry for you, that's all. I advise you to make up your mind before it drives you crazy or drives us crazy! You have been... well... impossible lately."

Toto nods, now in a bad mood. Nothing different, he has been moody for days. How you affect him is beyond belief; he is a grown-ass man to act like this.

Toto takes a quick break to the bathroom to calm down and refreshes his face with water before he stares at himself in the big mirror under the bright lights. Niki is right. He looks like trash.

His eyes look reddish with big purplish eyebags, his hair is messier, and his beard is scruffy and unshaven. Toto looks pale, tired, and sweaty.

He doesn't want to admit he is depressed about losing you because he is still furious at you for hiding that small little detail of you having a husband. Plus his guilt about hiding from you his status with Susie also is killing him.

He leaves out an annoyed groan and feels the need to punch a wall. Yes, he needs to make up his mind.

It's race day, and the laps fly by. Seb holds his own, weaving through the traffic with an elegance that keeps his fans on the edge of their seats. However, in the blink of an eye, the flickering lights on his dashboard startle him.

The steering becomes unresponsive. “No, no, no! Come on!” he yells as the car veers sideways, refusing to obey. You watch him on the live broadcast going off track, slowing down on the gravel, bringing out the yellow flags, no collision or harm thank God.

"Shit! He was doing so good!" you let out, more aggravated than you should be.

Millie seizes the opportunity, and with Vettel sidelined, she pushes her car to the limits, showcasing the kind of brilliance that has earned her respect. The engine roars as she takes the lead, the Williams team watching in disbelief at the sudden change of luck, chanting her name inside the garage.

As the race progresses, Hamilton and Lando fight aggressively, inching ever closer. Lap after lap, Millie holds her ground, almost tasting the victory.

With the clock ticking down, Lewis seems determined to contribute to a Mercedes podium finish too. As they cross the line the crowd erupts.

Meanwhile, at the Ferrari garage, Seb's disappointment is palpable, and the frustration of his entire season bursts out. Binnoto reassures him, “We’ll come back stronger. "

"My ass" is an answer that Sebastian holds inside, he feels so done with this team, with this dream of his of driving for them, it's like being trapped in a "never meet your heroes" sort of situation.

"Oh man, sorry about how it all went, yikes." you text Seb.

"It was utter shit!" he replies to your message about his DNF, "It was so difficult to drive it. The grip on that car is shit; this entire car has been shit the whole season, I'm pretty sure the next race Ferrari won't be needing me inside that tractor, it does what it pleases by itself. A miracle is what it's needed, I have ended up more times in the gravel than in a podium."

Even through texts he sounds done.

"Although I must admit it made me giggle to watch you leave in that tiny Vespa holding onto that huge guy, clown style," you joke to ease him.

"😂😂😂"

"Emojis now?! Excuse you, Mr. Technologic! Name it, read it, tune it, print it, scan it, send it, fax, rename it"

"I'm a man of the new age, jk. See? I used jk and all!? Can I call you? Who I'm kidding?! I'm still old-fashioned, it takes me forever to write you a reply, remember when the autocorrect used to change almost my entire replies?”

"How could one forget that, it was hilarious! Let's FaceTime better!"

"Face whom?! P.D. I loved that Daft Punk reference"

"A P.D.? What's this? The Regency Era?"

Inside the expensive restaurant De Zeeuw, known for its exquisite décor and ambiance, the glow of the candlelights dances across the black table for two in which you are sitting alone, dressed as elegantly and chic as the place is, listening to the soft noise of people chatting that blends with the gentle clinking of their glassware.

A pristine plate of pan-seared duck is resting untouched before you. You glance across your table at the empty seat, that one that would be Toto’s seat, if things had turned out differently, and an overwhelming sense of heartache washes over you.

"You’d love this place, wouldn’t you?" Your voice barely breaks, but the words feel heavy in the air. A tear escapes your eye, and you quickly wipe it away.

You catch sight of the couples nearby, sharing smiles and laughter, and it if feels as a storm brews inside you. "God, I miss you, Toto."

The memories flood your mind.

His laughter echoes through the restaurant, oh, the way he would lean forward with excitement over the menu, his playful banter about you trying new dishes, your knees touching below the table, your hands intertwining, the warmth of his skin on yours, and his beautiful smile just for you.

Everything feels right in your world when you are together.

You lift your glass of red wine, a deep ruby color. "Remember when you tried to impress me with your "knowledge" of fine wine? You mixed up the Bordeaux with a poor choice and I let you, pretending I didn't notice it, that I knew nothing about wine just to see you happy."

The memory brings a smile to your face, but it quickly fades and the wine feels bitter on your tongue as if it carried his absence.

Fighting back tears, you take a deep breath and close your eyes. The music wraps around you like a comforting hug, but the loneliness wins. Your plate remains untouched for the rest of the night.

A waiter approaches, his expression shifting with concern as he surveys the empty seat. "Is everything alright, ma’am?"

You nod, forcing a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes.

No spurging can fill the void he left. The love, passion, your shared dreams, the simple joy of his presence—nothing could ever replace that.

But you can't live in permanent pain, you need to learn how to move ahead.

“We have three targets: Lenkov’s mansion, aka the main operation hub; a stash house used for transports; and the commercial property fronting his illicit activities. Timing is key; our intel suggests he’s holding a meeting at the mansion tonight.” Agent Torres runs the plan in front of the entire team, sitting around the huge and regal cedar table inside the meeting room at the Manor.

"You’ll breach the mansion first. I want Team Alpha to grab him in the act as soon as possible.” you listen to Matt's orders.

“I’ve hacked into Lenkov’s live security feed. We’ll have a clear view of all movements outside. Two guards stay at the front entrance but an unknown number are inside. I’ll update you as I figure out the number and positions.” Agent Chen informs the room.

“What will be our entry point? I assume we won't be knocking on the front door.” Pascal questions by the intercom.

You witness the exchange of information in silence, knowing your part in this was already done, and you won't be allowed to do more.

“The west wall has a blind spot in the security system. Once we’re in, we’ll move quickly to clear the first floor before heading upstairs where Lenkov’s meeting is said to be, all clear?” Torres closes the Q&A session before moving to tactics, as the big screen behind him lights up.

At night, Lenkov, his always companion dogs, and crew are all gathered in an opulent room adorned with expensive art inside a Chateau deep in the Pyrenees.

As the agents move through the first floor, the soft crack of their boots echoes on the wood as they move down into the adjacent hallway while listening to the voices taking pride in "dealings" made earlier in the day.

Torres nods and asks Intel to remotely turn off the power, plunging the entire Chateau into darkness. They spring forward with swift motions, rendering the four people inside the room unconscious before facing a surprised Lenkov caught off guard, staring wide-eyed as Pascal and Torres burst through, weapons now drawn but masks and gears still on.

“Hands where we can see them!” Torres demands.

The lavish room holds tense air as Lenkov raises his hands, a smile still on his face. “You think you can threaten me? You’re in deep over your heads!”

“Chen, update?” Torres speaks to her by his on-ear, ignoring Lenkov, he has learned to not engage with targets.

“Reinforcements are on their way. Two minutes for the units to converge. Take him to the gates, boys”

"You’re done here, Lenkov. We won’t let you destroy any more lives.” Pascal addresses him as he drags him to the doors.

Lenkov laughs. "We'll see" he stops a second to face him, looking Pascal straight into his piercing blue eyes. "No doubt why you were your father's biggest disappointment, good thing he is dead now"

A fact completely unknown to Pascal, shaking him to the core, Torres rushes to take Lenkov away before things escalate.

Moments later, officers storm the mansion, agents streaming in from every side, ready to secure the area, apprehend any remaining criminals, and gather as much evidence as possible.

You are standing next to Mathew kilometers away from where the action is happening, biting your nails, aware Pascal could be in danger.

The fact that Matt pulled strings to ensure he was sent to join the operation felt like one of his usual twisted games. You let out a relieved sigh as you hear Pascal's voice talk to the radio, triumphant.

“We’ve infiltrated rat's mansion with success. He's secured. Two more to go”

It feels like a fever dream.

Monza

Being back in Italy hurts like a motherfucker. Your mind is flooded with memories of the last time you were here.

Toto…

You are still so mad at him, well, more like disappointed and also heartbroken. What a way for you to find out!

Okay, for the two of you to find out...

You haven't crossed a word, at all. You are in that phase of avoiding each other like you have the plague, but every time you pick up your phone, that thought is there, the desperate need to reach him out.

Samanta attempted to open that conversation with you, but you ran away. By now, all you know is that he is mad as hell at you, and he knows you are heartbroken because of him. What else is to know?

You miss him like the ocean misses the shore, it's true, but communication between you two and honesty has never been easy.

He chose Susie it's obvious, it does hurt, but maybe it's better if you start to move on.

Even if your marriage isn’t a real one, you get how it looks like from the outside and it’s a situation you can’t exactly change, at least that Matt agrees to it - which he hasn’t in years - and he made his conditions to agree to divorce you pretty clear. You require one hell of a miracle for that man to sign those goddamn papers.

Resigned to your situation, you choose not to fight the tears falling from your eyes on your way to the circuit. You need to let it all out before getting back to reality.

The new one.

Your arrival there becomes a media circus. Nothing new, the press loves taking pictures of you and your outfits, but after the incident and now with Mathew by your side, the attention you two are dragging is crazy.

The flashes blind you as Matt holds your hand tight, leading you along. He passes an arm around your waist and pulls you closer, rushing you to go at his fast pace to get free from the photographers sooner.

His charming smile now becomes a threatening one to those blocking his path.

Toto sees you stroll hand in hand with Mathew past the Mercedes motorhome, the press circling you like sharks, and people taking out their phones to snap a quick picture of you. He observes from inside his office on the second floor through the large panel windows.

Your green Birkin bag swings in the air, and you look so hot in that Ferragamo one-shoulder dress. The tight fabric accentuates your curves he once claimed his, and that beautiful blue gradient slides down along your figure. The small light fabric tail flows around your every step, and your bulky gold jewelry is the cherry on the pie that makes you look like the matching trophy wife of the zillionaire dragging you along.

It all does clic for Toto at that exact moment, by seeing the two of you side by side.

You belong with that man, and Toto belongs with Susie. You choose Matt. It's more than clear; it has always been Matt. There's no need to talk about the obvious. He's the husband and Toto probably was just a mere entertainment for you.

Still, you would have let him know or hinted if he still had a chance, if you still wanted him. But you haven't, so...

Maybe it’s better if he moves on.

The media nicknames Matt and you "the hot power couple of the paddock" in their headlines and recent articles. Haters online address you as "Ken and Barbie."

Toto feels sick when the sites he reads follow your story. There's that fucking photo of the two of you in all new pieces. Everywhere he looks there's him next to you.

He wants to pull his hair out.

You glimpse Toto's figure pass you by here and there around the track, your eyes following him around, acting on their own, the way your body reacts to him is surprising and even frightening, how deep you feel for him is beyond belief, but not once does he look back at you.

And that hurts like salt in the wound. You get it. But he also did harm! Yet you hide that sorrow in plain sight, an expert by now.

With a big sigh, you go to look for Charles. You need your bestie more than ever but he is nowhere to be found. Maybe he's with the guys at your usual spot near the medical wing?

On your way there you can't help but feel something is… odd. None of your friends are in sight, nor inside their hospitalities, or in corridors, nor coming out from backdoors of their garages, and now you are determined to find out what they are up to, it can't be a coincidence!

You keep searching your way down the paddock almost reaching the trailer park by the end of it.

Passing by a big warehouse some giggles escape from the metal door slightly open.

Feeling like a detective on the brink of uncovering a monumental mystery, you tiptoe closer, peeking through the half-open entrance. Inside the room, Danny is rocking the ladder where Mick is up trying to hang the "welcome back" pennant.

As Millie and Lando talk to each other inhaling helium from the machine for the balloons, Seb and Lewis laugh at their high-pitched voices while filling the snacks.

"Is that Charles sweeping the floor?!! Jesus! That man has no idea how to hold a broom, less use it."

On the white mantel table, you notice the large cake that reads: “Congrats on Your First Crash”.

You feel your heart racing, "A surprise party for me?" This is a first and feels wonderful. "But what for? My spectacular glass wall encounter?

Lost in your thoughts you accidentally lean too much on the door, pushing it open to reveal yourself to the entire group. A gasp sweeps through the room like a wave. They got caught in the act!

“Oh no! CLOSE YOUR EYES! CLOSE YOUR EYES!” Checo shouts, his expression is a mix of shock and comedic horror.

You can't help but laugh, “Surprise..! For you, I guess?”

Then you feel Sam tackling you to the side as Seb and Lewis rush to block your view of the cake, hands behind their backs.

“We’re not ready! Come back later,” Sam tells you to the ear while holding you tight.

"Let go!" you move like a worm in her arms.

"Fine, but look here straight at the light" She is holding a black stick.

"What you think this is Men In Black?!" a smirk forms on your lips as they panic more, “All of you are terrible at surprises, but I love you so much!”

The Mercedes garage is bustling with technicians preparing for the upcoming race. The aroma of high-octane fuel is in the air, and the sound of tools creates a stimulating backdrop.

As you are near their entrance, you glimpse Toto inside, busy overseeing the chaos, his eyes sharp and focused. He notices Matt and you passing by, stiffening slightly, his gaze shifting from the crew to your way.

Matthew seems to feel his eyes too and pulls you closer, his hands which were resting on your shoulders start to slide down your back and in a moment of pure audacity, he places his full palm on your ass.

Toto’s jaw tightens as he watches the display unfold. His eyes narrow, and he shifts uncomfortably, trying to maintain his composure while the tension between him and Matthew crackles like static. His professional demeanors faltered for just a beat. Both are well aware of the silent war unfolding.

Toto takes a deep breath, forcing a smile, but you notice flickers of something unresolved in his eyes; a storm of jealousy brewing beneath the surface.

As you begin to walk forward with your husband, Toto remains anchored to the spot, watching you go, with a mix of frustration and longing in his eyes, wondering if he should leave you well enough alone or make a move before it’s even more late.

Singapore

Singapore means a long flight, and Matt doesn't have the time for it right now. He is busy supervising and catching on with the team examining all the Lenkov encrypted files and data they found during the raid. To your best luck, the entire operation was a total success, with no incidents, and zero casualties.

So in his absence, you invited Seb to share the long jet ride from Vegas to there.

With still many hours left to land and up in the air, you notice Vettel's beautiful eyes setting on you several times while his lips parting a bit each time he does it as if he wanted to say something but shied back.

“Come on, Seb. Spill it out, it’s killing you and me” You kick him softly with your foot.

You are sitting facing each other on the very bulky and luxurious black leather sofas inside your modern jet. Well, Mathew's jet, well the family's jet.

“You left me on a cliffhanger last time,” he says, softly.

You know he refers to your conversation back at the manor. “Oh,” it's all that comes from your lips, followed by a long sigh.

“I understand if you don't want…” he starts immediately, waving his hands, looking worried now and a bit red on the cheeks.

He is ever so sweet.

“Oh, no, no, no, no worries, it's the only missing piece for you in this puzzle called "my life story". I don’t mind talking about it, it’s just it’s a lot and a long story. Let me ask us for some drinks!”

“Good thing we are trapped in this can in the sky” Seb eyes out of the window to the layer of clouds.

"After I won my freedom back, I spent a good chunk of the month talking with agents and lawyers, since the foundation was still wearing diapers, it was a small team and intelligence office, full of people that nowadays I consider as family, Matt offered me to stay at the Manor while they had the chance to figure things out. I was just so grateful to have a roof, food, and a safe space, even if I was kept in the dark regarding what was going on for a bit, it turned out to be for my good and protection but let's say Matt has never been very talkative, he doesn't like questions much either, even today." you shift yourself to a more comfortable position before continuing.

"Our marriage presented to us as an opportunity for me to stay and help to make the foundation what it has become today, I wanted to help others like me and found my life purpose in it. Our wedding was a transactional one; there were no vows just paperwork. Things developed later, as the years went by. Being every day by our sides allowed us to know each other" you state as Seb's eyebrows go up on their own.

"Don’t get me wrong, I love him and he loves me endlessly, but we just didn't work that way" you immediately add. "For a while, I tried to cuddle him, caress him, or kiss him but got no right reaction, I also didn’t know how to show love or support without the physical part, you know. Since I… yeah, was predisposed to that… after all I went through…"

Seb nods, he gets it.

"Matt respected me so much, way too much for my own like at that point. I fell for him so hard, he is such a good person but yet even as husband and wife we didn’t share the bed or even the same bedroom, we always slept apart, even when I asked him to let me stay or when I snuck in I faced rejection, for a second I gave up and even thought of leaving" you make a pause to sip some of your wine and look at a surprised and curious Seb.

"But, I found out he couldn’t stand the idea of losing me or not having me by his side" You do a "Can you believe it?! face" making Seb giggle, before continuing.

"Matt confided in me more than with anyone else - including his mom, even if she isn't responsive - which is not much either but a lot more than with Alexi, Sam’s brother, his best friend, did I tell you their father is Matt’s godfather? They grew up together, I met Sam when she was a kid, and I still see her as my little sis, she loved spending the summer breaks with us and traveling around with us on holidays, she even moved to the manor when things with her family weren't that good, she was like our child."

"And you two never thought... about... becoming a family?" Seb dances around the questions, he heard some comments here and there that you have made, that having kids is been a dream of yours, and that you want to become a mom more than anything.

A long silence from you arrives. The mood shifts slowly. Sadness is clear in your eyes.

"One day, I dared to ask. I told him "Before I met you I begged for people not to touch me and yet with you I seem not to find a way even if it's what I desire most in the world" That seemed to shock him to the core. And that's when I found out. The piece that made all make sense,” you look out of the window. Grief is evident.

"Should I ask?" Seb places a friendly hand on your knee.

“Yes, he permitted me to tell you the full truth, including his. I still don't quite get why, but he seems fond of you, which is so rare, believe me" Seb gifts you a full smile.

Matthew always seemed to be a step ahead of you in so many things, especially those regarding protecting you and your well-being or what was best for you, always taking care of you, and always keeping his word.

"Matt explained to me the night after that conversation "There's a reason why my father started this business and I am so determined to continue it. I was the first case of abuse my dad solved, by locking up his own father, my grandfather, one inkling led to another till it conducted him to Lenkov and then I lost them all, touch and love have never been part of my life. I'm as broken as you. We both deserved better.”

“So let’s repair each other” That’s what I answered him," you explain Seb.

-“I love you” The memory of Mathew’s blue eyes set on you, all watery, and his words come to your mind. “I love you too,” you said back and it was the first time you ever meant it. -

"On our anniversary night that month, we spent our first night together after all those years. Our marriage was wonderful for a while but all good things have a bad side, he has control issues, he can get possessive, and he is so strong-willed it is difficult to go against him, it's always his will, his way, his say, so you can imagine?" you meet the end of your glass.

"We tried so hard to make things work but even with therapy he never was able to overcome that darkness, having kids was a no and a definitive answer from his side, nothing I did made it change, so we broke things off and for a while things were bad, and he spent a lot of time in his corner, he couldn't deal well with the fact he hurt my feelings, and the Manor is so big that for years I felt like a was living alone or with a ghost at best."

Seb pats your shoulder softly in a supportive way.

"Yet, we work so well as business partners as if nothing ever happened. The foundation got stronger, and bigger, with more offices in different places, and countries, we did it as a team, as a family. We spend more time around each other in meetings and business travels than as the married couple we legally still are, Matt has always made it pretty clear he won't divorce me until someone he approves worth it asks him for my hand." you shrug, looking a bit annoyed. "Even if we allow each other "flings" he hasn't fallen for anyone else, so far"

A comfortable silence reigns for a while, till Seb opens the conversation again.

"I'm happy I crossed your paths, even if I don't get exactly how, I just got lucky then!"

"I'm glad too!" you give him an honest and warm smile. "About that! It took us years to be able to get closer to Lenkov - in a way that raised no questions or got us in danger - we became aware of his links with the FIA, so our closest possibility was to enter this world. Thanks to Niki we were able to. We couldn't be more grateful to him for convincing the Williams to sell the team to us and accept none of the other offers."

As you are about to land, the emotions brought out today finally reach you.

"Seb, I know my presence around here may be temporary, but now I can't imagine my life without you guys, I needed you more than you could ever imagine, even if my real commitment is with Little Heroes, I'm trying to seize this up as much as possible"

"Then I'm delighted to share this with you" Seb's smile is pure. "Thank you for trusting me, I... I... I promise you can trust me" he holds back what he truly wants to say, more like to confess, getting caught in his feelings too.

Something between you two changed after leaving that jet, as if something just shifted.

"Hey, Normi. Judging by that spectacular outfit of yours, are you fueling up for a night out?" Lando sits next to her, messing around as usual. Normani looks as stylish and divine as ever. "Want to give me a spin around and see if I can help you shift gears?" Lando says and moves his eyebrows up and down.

"Oh, you mean like shifting my attention to somewhere else? You're a bit too loud for my taste," she snaps back but follows his game. No harm intended, even if Lando likes to joke around in a borderline creepy way - kidding - he never goes there.

"Ah, come on! I have a lot of horsepower, let me show you!" he replies.

Lewis lets out a sonorous giggle. "That's cute, man!"

"Cute?!" Lando looks insulted at his reaction. "I'm a high-performance machine!"

The entire room starts to laugh.

"Well, at least can I get your number? PLEASE" he places his hands in a praying position almost now on one knee, making Normi laugh and shake her head.

"Only if you can recite the entire rulebook of Formula 1 backward" she states.

"Hi, police? I would like to report a murder" You insert yourself in the conversation, joking and talking to an imaginary phone made with your hand walking into the room, Seb following you along.

"Hey, you two!" Lewis gets on his feet to give you a big and warm hug.

"Wife!" Lando turns and greets you. "Vettel" he greets after and sends him a dirty look.

"Oh, now we are a married couple?!" you question him.

"YES! Don't you remember that wild night out in Vegas at the new GP Launch Event? IT WAS A WEEK AGO!" he looks offended.

You look scared for a brief second.

Yes! You all partied like animals in Vegas, but you remember pretty well falling asleep all cozy cuddling with Lewis - no weird business tho - not paying a visit to The Little Chapel.

- Although in your head, you wanted so badly to go there with Toto. Even if he ignored you all night, he looked so hot in that groom-style tuxedo. -

That night Lando refers to, you shared the couch in Sam's hotel room, and Lewis dropped himself quicker on it before Charles was able to claim it, and invited you to hop as the gentleman he is, Charles had no other choice left but to sleep on the rug on the floor for reacting too slowly.

Oscar and Sam claimed the bed for themselves, well, they blacked out and Lando helped carry them there before departing with a hot gal.

"Now that I remember, EX-WIFE! You cheated on me with that long-legged lady you disappeared with for the night. AND YOU OWE ME SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT!

"Damn, mate" Oscar pats him on the back, crossing his arms, sometimes he gets referred to as your child.

Lando turns to the others with an "Ohh shit!" face.

That night you all drunk as fuck thought it was a WONDERFUL idea to go Karting and ended up in the emergency room after Carlos hit his face and broke his nose, hence that's why Normani was here to stand in for.

Binnoto was furious with you. Which lead to the most unexpected...

@SkySports

🚨 BREAKING NEWS: 🚨

A dramatic leak from the F1 database has surfaced, revealing incendiary emails from Ferrari's Team Principal, Mattia Binotto, containing sexist remarks regarding Williams Racing owner Y/N De Vos🌪️⚡️ The motorsport community is reeling as the scandal unfolds! #News #F1

You take a deep breath as you step into the bustling pitlane, your heart racing. The shockwave from the email leak has rippled through the corridors, and whispers seem to follow you like a shadow.

Michael walks beside you, his face a mask of concern as he tries to comfort you amidst the chaos.

“I'm not gonna lie, people are talking, boss,” he says honestly, glancing around, catching snippets of hushed conversations, your name tangled in the gossip.

"I can't believe what Binotto said!" Niki's voice carries anger.

"You'd think we’d be past this by now," Toto retorts, visibly bothered.

Your phone vibrates incessantly in your pocket, a constant reminder of the storm brewing along the race.

“Do you want to go back to the motorhome?” Michael asks you, concerned at the cameras coming your way. But there's a fire within you, fueled by the messages and support from girls worldwide.

“No!” you respond fiercely, recalling the solidarity on social media – photos of women in motorsport, hashtags trending, all rallying behind you. They’re calling for respect, for recognition, and you can’t let them down now.

You get ready to navigate the throng of reporters and FIA stewards stampeding towards you.

“How could Binotto be so clueless? I mean, it doesn't surprise me, but still...” Seb shakes his head.

His voice is a mix of disbelief and outrage as he watches the circle of people surrounding you at a distance along with Charles, both their arms crossed wearing the red overalls.

“2024, and we’re still dealing with this shit?!” Charles adds, his tone laced with frustration.

You and Michael exchange a glance, knowing what you must do.

You stroll onto the camera lens, holding the microphone being offered to you steady. Deep down, you know this scandal wasn't the limelight you wanted nor the momment, but it is a chance to spark change.

From: [email protected]

CC: "Too Fast, Too Curious"

To: [email protected]

My dearest Y/N,

I can’t sit with my anger any longer. Those fucking emails?! I'm fuming! To think that someone in his position would spew such appalling, misogynistic comments about you, of all people, is beyond disgusting.

He is just too lucky I'm miles away. I want his head on a platter right now. No one gets to disrespect you. You don’t deserve to be subjected to this kind of garbage.

I know you’re trying to stay strong, but I refuse to sit idly by while you’re being attacked this way! It’s time to make some noise—serious noise.

I will ensure that he faces repercussions for his actions.

I'll talk to you soon about our next move. See you in Japan.

With all my love and righteous fury,

Matt

"OH, GREAT!" you lift your arms in the air, inside the back of the car as the driver takes you to the hotel.

- Author's note: Thank you for your patience and for staying around. I hope you enjoy the much-deserved double-chapter update. I promise there won't be that long of a hiatus for the following chapters.

To be continued... < Previous chapter | Masterlist | Next chapter >

Join us at The Wolff Pack Discord Server > https://discord.com/invite/tpgArxqbfd

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letterscene · 1 month ago

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here's me playing dress-up lol (earrings by @suzanne-holds-the-mirror )

#.txt

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juicycoutureheaux · 2 years ago

Text

Fixer Upper: An AU Sheriff!Leon Kennedy x Reader Fic

Chapter1 Chapter2 Chapter3

Hey y’all!! I’m back again! I’d like to thank all those who left such nice things to say about the other chapters. This story is going to be a bit longer than anticipated, but that just means more details and drama (oooh!) lol. Again there are some TW, in this chapter. (Mention of suicide). I’d like to think @alewesker & @angelscoda for all their encouragement! You both are amazing and keep me motivated! If you haven’t checked out their blogs you totally should!

You learn that the sharp dressed, curt man that greeted you and Suzanne was none other than Buckley Richards, who worked as a private stylist to Jackie Bouvier Kennedy and Lily Pulitzer.

He was a force in the dressing room, ordering his assistants to grab different fabric swatches of all different colors and textures; comparing them to your skin to see what shade best suited you.

He didn’t hold back his facial expressions either, especially when something was less than flattering.

“No, No!” he would exclaim, commanding the whole studio’s attention. “She is not a winter, she is a summer! I do not want to see those colors again!”

You felt totally detached from your body, it felt like they were dressing up a doll and you despised it. You began to dread your future, because you knew it was going to be filled with nothing but superficial moments and people.

The studio assistants picked you apart, scrubbing your face, your fingernails, just about every bit of your body.

By the end of the 8 hour session, you had been taught how to apply your makeup in “the right way,” the correct way to style your long hair and how to dress for every occasion.

When you looked in the mirror, you were dressed in a prim, but stylish outfit; your hair was pinned behind your ears revealing your now “acceptable” face; your already long dark eyelashes were enhanced by mascara, cheeks now rosy with the help of some light rouge, and your nails were now shined.

It felt as if a stranger was looking back at you. You never saw a problem or cared about your looks before today. Mama and daddy always told you that you didn’t need makeup or a fancy haircut; but, according to Buckley and Miss Suzanne, they were dead wrong.

“Finally, underneath it all, a beautiful girl!” Buckley exclaimed, grabbing you by the arm and leading you to your future mother in law.

“Y/n, you look absolutely stunning!” Suzanne squealed. “You are going to be the perfect wife for my boy! The public will just love you when you make your debut at the party!”

You just smiled a polite, but forced smile. They didn’t seem to notice. The heaviness in your stomach started to creep its way up into your throat; it was starting to consume you.

You were following behind Buckley and Suzanne all the way back to the town car, where the chauffeur was putting away all the shopping in the spacious trunk.

You said your goodbyes to Buckley and thanked him for his hard work.

“Suzanne, you’ve always had the best taste, Y/N is quite the catch.” With that he hugged Suzanne one last time and returned to the boutique.

As he was leaving, Suzanne turned to you. “We’ve invested A LOT into you my dear, I hope that you keep that in mind when Patrick gets into his *way.” She said, pointedly annunciating the last words.

“Just know that it's a part of marriage that we all go through, but think of all the benefits of being married to a man like Patrick! You’ll never be bored ever again!”

“You’re right,” you thought to yourself, “I’ll never be bored because I'll be busy chasing my husband all over the city.”

You decided to keep that thought to yourself.

The chauffeur opened the door open for you and Miss Suzanne. Miss Suzanne got in effortlessly and gracefully. Your head felt like it weighed like 1,000 pounds, and it must have shown. As you made your way into the car the Chauffeur lifted your chin up by his two fingers.

“Chin up madam, you’re going to be the wife of a very important man.”

You looked up sadly and settled in the backseat of the car, praying for silence on the way home.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxx

You arrived home at just about dusk. The cicadas were buzzing as the oranges and reds of the sunset stretched out lazily over the horizon.

You thought what it must be like to be a part of the colors of the horizon. You knew the hues were caused by scattering the different light rays; but even then you wondered if there was something sentient behind those sunsets.

If there were, did they know how beautiful and admired they were by those on Earth, or did they look down upon your kind in envy like you looked up at them right now? You wanted to be free, emancipated from your situation, you wanted to be as vast and colorful as the rays in the sky.

Miss Suzanne insisted her chauffeur take your bags in for you as it wasn’t lady like for you to bring in your own shopping. She followed you in with a good sized gift bag; you immediately knew who it was for.

You could tell your mother was waiting excitedly by the door, by how quick she answered. She ushered you all into the foyer.

“Thank you for letting me borrow your daughter for the day, she is just the sweetest thing. I had to bring you something back for my appreciation.” Suzanne said to your mother holding up the large bag from the boutique.

You looked on miserably as your mother pulled out an expensive cocktail dress and an even more expensive looking pair of shoes.

“Suzanne, I don’t know what to say!” Your mother stuttered.

“You don’t have to say anything darling! This is my thank you for letting me have your daughter. I want you two to look your best at the engagement party.”

Your mother had her back turned to you when she and Suzanne shared a friendly embrace. Suzanne winked at you and you acknowledged it as a warning. She had your mama wrapped around her finger and you would be foolish to back out of your engagement to Patrick.

Your mother said her goodbyes and you received a peck on the cheek from Suzanne.

You watched the fancy town car roll away down the dirt road as your mother was showing off her new cocktail dress and shoes to the rest of the family.

“Suzanne is just the sweetest isn’t she, Y/N? You are so lucky you have such a generous woman as your mother in law.”

“Future mother in law.” You corrected her bitterly.

“Oh Y/N don’t be so sour. You have what other girls would kill for. You have to see your blessing!”

“I’m sorry Mama, you’re right.” you said obediently. You were getting used to resigning over your power, maybe it would be easier with time.

You ran up the stairs and into the restroom. You began to take off your makeup with the cold cream you knew your mama had in the cabinet. The mascara and lipstick now melted in a way that contorted your face so much that you looked like a ghoul. You scrubbed until your eyelashes felt soft and your skin was dry.

Your face may have been red and raw, but at least you looked like yourself, or your old self.

You stayed in your small room, hearing the bustling sounds of the house beneath you. Your mother was talking excitedly to Mary-Anne, as daddy and Hank were discussing sports. You wondered if Patrick and his family even interacted with each other at all.

What would they talk about? You came to the realization that you and Patrick had nothing in common at all. When you would go out together and ride in his car, all he talked about was himself. You were so enthralled with the fact that someone like him would even talk to you, that you ignored the fact he was so shallow.

You started to shake, you felt yourself detach from your body. You had to get out of the house, you had to leave. You didn’t know where to go, you had completely sold your life for the happiness of others. You couldn’t run away, they would find you and it would be an embarrassment, more shame.

The only way out you could think of was the unthinkable. If you passed away in an accident, sure your family would miss you, but they wouldn’t have to worry about you. They would just have to worry about putting fresh flowers on your grave or telling Hank & Mary-Anne’s baby about you and how you would almost* marry the most important man in town. To your niece or nephew you would live on as a princess in a fairytale; but fairytales weren’t real and you wouldn’t have a happy ending.

Patrick and his mother could find another, more qualified girl to fix his image, someone that grew up in the right family, who knew all the right etiquette and had all the right clothes.

You had convinced yourself, it was the perfect plan and maybe you would find yourself in the sunset looking back down on the earth, where you longed to be.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

There was a fresh dew on the vegetation growing along the path, that brushed up against your bare legs as your bicycle made its way through the tall grass. You were riding as fast as you could, the crickets and frogs making their presence known by their various chirps.

You could see the lake just ahead, you wanted to take one last final obstructed look at the stars before you would join them. You had daddy’s sleeping pills he had been taking since he came home from the war and a bottle of whiskey that he thought no one else knew about. It was wrong taking them from him, but it was the only peaceful way you thought of going.

“It would be like falling asleep,” you had convinced yourself. “I’ll drink the whiskey till I’m drunk and throw the bottle into the water. They’ll just think I went for a swim and drowned.”

You parked your bicycle against the tree, and sat upon the soft grass at the embankment overlooking the deep blue void. As you sat closer to the shore, the wind had started picking you up, like it was a friend, drawing you closer.

The moon was the only source of light out in the wilderness and its brightness called to you, mockingly as if she longed for you to join her out in the vast nothingness, where you could be free.

You waited for an untraceable amount of time, the night was clear, the air was cool and you felt like you were finally where you needed to be. You had begun drinking, the bitter taste of the liquor was unfamiliar and stung your throat. You drink until you become unsteady and sleepy, the breeze feels like it is moving through you, like strings attached to a puppet.

You felt ready enough to unscrew the lid from the pill bottle and empty its contents into your mouth. You were fiddling with the lid for what felt like years when you were spooked by bright lights creeping up behind you. You froze in a stupor as you heard a car door open and shut, followed by heavy footsteps.

You made out the silhouette of a man in the darkness, he didn’t seem to notice you as he walked closer to the edge of the embankment. You saw him bring his fingers to push his hair back behind his face as he let out a sigh and lit a cigarette.

You were focusing on the orange ember of the end of the cigarette and didn’t realize the man had spotted you.

“Y/N?” The familiar voice spoke to you, softly.

You looked up through watery eyes and met the sharp blues of Leon’s.

You couldn’t find the words to speak as he moved closer to you. He found a place next to you and sat down.

“What are you doing out here?” His voice is gentle, just above a whisper.

You couldn’t speak, you just let the tears flow. Your body was still languid and you felt like all your energy was flowing out with your tears.

Leon wrapped an arm around you and you let him, you didn’t realize how cold you were until you felt the warmth from his body on yours.

He smelled of aftershave and tobacco, you leaned in closer to take in all of him.

You started to calm down after being in the embrace for a while, the liquid heat in your belly from the whiskey became soothing after a while.

Leon laid you down so your head was laid on his lap, your long hair was spread out over his legs; the moment was intimate and comforting. You had never felt this kind of comfort before. You were thinking of just drifting off to sleep in his embrace, but he began to speak.

“It's not worth it, Y/N.” he mumbled.

You looked up at him, your eyes meeting.

“What?”

“These pills, the alcohol, I know what you came to do.”

You shifted uncomfortably, and turned your head away from him. He began stroking your hair again.

“I had an older sister,” he said, softer.

You looked up and acknowledged that you were listening.

“She was caring, she was vibrant, she was smart,” he paused. “It’s a memory now.”

You raised yourself so your torsos were intertwined, making comfortable eye contact.

“What happened to her, Leon?”

“She married someone that didn’t respect her, someone that wanted to own her, treat her like property. It started off small like the altercation you had with your fiance.” Adding emphasis to the word “altercation.”

“He was just awful to her, would cheat on her, come home drunk. After a while, she finally made a plan to leave him because she had had enough. The night before she was to leave he found out and killed her.” Leon was stoic and she could see the tenseness in his jaw.

“He would have rather snuffed out her light than see her be happy, he took my only living family away. The pain was unbearable, I wanted him to suffer.”

You reached out to caress his face; he surprised you by holding your hand to his face. You wanted to kiss him, to take his pain away.

“I decided the best way to get revenge was to prevent what happened to her, to anyone else.”

“Leon, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say.”

He took his hand away from yours, and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Patrick is trouble, Y/N. I know you know, otherwise you wouldn’t be out here doing something so stupid.” He raised his voice, he was angry, but it sounded like there was hurt in his voice.

Your cheeks turned red from embarrassment, his words stung.

“I didn’t know what else to do, Leon! I feel so trapped, you think I want this kind of life?” You were sobbing. You were full of despair and anguish; you had been holding it in for a long time.

“I know you don’t,” he lowered his voice again and began to rub your back gently. “I know you really don’t want to die either.”

“What am I going to do?” It was a rhetorical question.

“You’re not marrying that asshole.”

“Leon, I wish it were that easy! My mother, she’s over the moon! They’ve already spent so much money on me, I could never repay them in my wildest dreams.”

“They’re manipulating you into staying! Will your mother’s feelings matter when he’s beating the shit out of you? Or when he cheats every night and leaves you alone with your children? When he makes a complete fool out of you in public? Is that really what you want?”

You just began to cry, the sobs escaping from your mouth with so much force, they sounded like choking hiccups.

Leon pulled you closer and let you cry into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so rough with you, Y/N.”

You gripped his shirt and looked up at him, face red and eyes bloodshot.

“I needed that reality check. It's true, I just don’t know if I'm brave enough to leave.”

“I’m going to help you.”

You looked at him surprised. “Leon, why would you help me?”

“Because, Y/n, you’re innocent in all this. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy,”

You smiled an effortless smile. You laid your hand down on top of his. Your heart was beating out of your chest; You no longer felt helpless, this new sensation, you couldn’t quite place it.

He cupped your head behind your ear, his fingers holding your hair out of your face.

“You’re beautiful when you smile.”

You blushed and tried to turn your face away; instead, Leon moved in closer,keeping you in place. You searched his baby blues, for a hint of what he was thinking. He didn’t keep you waiting long before he moved his face closer and enveloped you in an intoxicating kiss.

It was sweet, not like the wanton kiss Patrick had given you before; this was full of fervor. The feeling of his lips meeting yours was akin to actual sparks. The current of electricity reverberated through your body, as you wrapped your arms around his neck instinctively, closing the space between your bodies.

Leon, without breaking the two of you apart, gently laid you down again on the soft grass. He had moved from your lips to the nape of your neck, the feeling causing you to feel a fire in your belly as he caressed your sides.

You had never experienced pleasure like this before, never in your wildest dreams would you have thought a man like Leon would be attracted to you in that way.

You began to panic, you were kissing a man that wasn’t your fiancé, and you were scared. You enjoyed it too much, if Leon had wanted to take it further you would have let him. He was making you feel too good; your mother had always warned you that things that felt too good to be true, were.

“Leon, please, I can’t do this.”

His body went stiff and moved off you immediately.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I’m so sorry, I feel awful.”

“Leon, don’t.” You said gently cradling his face in your hands, your thumb stroking his cheek. “I want you so bad; but I've been promised to Patrick.” You could tell by the wounded look on his face your words pained him.

“It’s obvious you’re too good for him, even though he treats you cruelly.” You flinched at his words, he was right.

“What are we going to do?” You whispered, still holding on to him

He pushed the loose strands of hair behind your ear.

“I know for a fact the Armstrongs are doing shady business dealings, how do you think he got funding for his political campaign this year?”

You thought about it for a second. You knew they came from family money and they lived in a small town, but it really never occurred to you that their dealings could be illegal.

“So you want to blackmail Patrick? That’s your idea?” You said incredulously.

“You should know I didn’t come out here to just work as the Sheriff of a small town. I’m here because I AM investigating The Armstrongs and their associates.”

“Why are you telling me this? I’m engaged to one of the family members.” You were shaking now, was everyone just going to pull the rug from under you? You pulled away from him.

“I know, because you don’t want this. I know for a fact if you had any other choice, you would take it.”

You stare at him, annoyed, but he was right. No wonder he was sent down here.

“Are you using me to get information then? I’m not okay with that, Leon.”

“Of course not!” He looked like the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. “I figured you were an innocent bystander in all of this.”

Your shoulders relaxed, you realized you had accused him of something horrible.

“Leon, I’m sorry, I just didn’t know what to think, I’ve just pulled every which way and I just want to be told the truth.”

“Y/n, I promise, I wouldn’t lie to you to hurt you.”

“That’s all I ask.”

The two of you shared a chaste kiss, and he drove you back to the long driveway of the farm.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you up to the house?” Leon had his right hand over your headrest.

“The lights and noise from the car would probably wake up my family. I don’t think I’d ever be allowed out of the house again if they saw I snuck out and you drove me home.”

“Good point.”

You both said your goodbyes and you walked slowly up the dirt road to the house.

You stopped in your tracks when you saw your daddy sitting on the steps of the house and he had his eyes locked on you.

You swallowed hard and decided to face the music. You walked right up to him.

“There she is, prancing in like I wouldn’t notice she snuck out. Where the hell have you been?”

“I had to get out of the house daddy, I’m sorry it felt like I was suffocating, I’m scared.” You said and sat down next to him.

You loved your daddy, he was always there for you. It felt like recently with this Patrick mess your relationship was suffering.

Your daddy’s face softened up and he put his arm around you.

“My magnolia, I know you’re going through a lot, it’s killing me. I wish your mother wasn’t pushing you so hard.” He held you close. You felt like a little girl, safe in your father’s arms, he hadn’t called you Magnolia in a long time. It was his nickname for you since you were little.

You remembered when the boys first started to bully you at school and your daddy would hug you while you cried. He would comfort you and the next day when the boys would start again, he’d stand at the school bus stop with his shotgun and point at them.

They never messed with his “magnolia” again after that.

You wish daddy could make the Armstrongs go away. She just wanted to work her little job, maybe meet someone on her own. Leon, she wouldn’t mind dating him, he was everything an actual gentleman should be.

“Do you think you could talk to mama? I don’t think I want to marry Patrick, daddy.” You said weakly.

“I’ll try magnolia.” He said. “We should head in before Mama wakes up and yells at the both of us.”

You exchanged a hug and went back into the farmhouse feeling better off.

#leon kennedy x reader #resident evil fanfiction #resident evil #fanfiction #leon kennedy #resident evil infinite darkness #patrick infinite darkness #TW:suicide

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pagan-stitches · 5 months ago

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youtube

Nick Cave — Suzanne (Leonard Cohen)

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river

You can hear the boats go by, you can spend the night beside her

And you know that she's half-crazy but that's why you wanna to be there

And she feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China

And just when you mean to tell her that you have no love to give her

Then she gets you on her wavelength

And she lets the river answer that you've always been her lover

And you want to travel with her, and you want to travel blind

And then you know that she will trust you

For you've touched her perfect body with your mind

And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water

And he spent a long time watching from his lonely wooden tower

And when he knew for certain only drowning men could see him

He said all men will be sailors then until the sea shall free them

But he himself was broken, long before the sky would open

Forsaken, almost human, he sank beneath your wisdom like a stone

And you want to travel with him, and you want to travel blind

And then you think maybe you'll trust him

For he's touched your perfect body with his mind

Now, Suzanne takes your hand and she leads you to the river

She's wearing rags and feathers from Salvation Army counters

And the sun pours down like honey on our Lady of the harbor

And she shows you where to look among the garbage and the flowers

There are heroes in the seaweed, there are children in the morning

They are leaning out for love and they will lean that way forever

While Suzanne holds the mirror

And you want to travel with her, and you want to travel blind

And then you know that you can trust her

For she's touched your perfect body with her mind

#Suzanne #leonard cohen #nick cave #music #Youtube

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sisterdivinium · 2 years ago

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what do you think suzanne was like in her youth? she says she doesn't see herself as modern, but what do you think that means to her?

Those are interesting questions! As they require a little more imagination than I usually apply to my posts here, I'll ponder them one by one, even if they're interconnected. This will be long, of course, because it's about 💕❤️ Suzanne ❤️💕 my beloved.

1) On Suzanne's character in youth

The first solid clue we're given about what Suzanne used to be like comes from the conversation she holds with Duretti on Crimson, of course:

As much as Mother Superion ends by radically dissociating herself from Crimson in the similarity established by the cardinal, adding that the younger nun is "possibly sociopathic", she makes no effort to refute the adjectives of "aggressive" and "undisciplined" as applied to herself. She must, then, in some level recognise these traits as her own.

When we are treated to the flashback she has with Shannon in season two, confirmation on both characteristics is clear: a determined halo-bearing Suzanne eschews "Christian compassion" in slaughtering a gang of men without pity and without any real backup plan should her charging head-first into battle yield less than desirable results. She is aggressive and undisciplined, quite evidently.

Here is a little problem, though, because discipline is indispensable to obedience — and obedience is, of course, amongst the vows taken by those who enter monastic life.

This could nudge us towards seeing a certain rebelliousness in young Suzanne. Fitting in and taking orders from someone else might have been a challenge for her, as it always is for prideful people, even when those "superiors" have their respect.

Her tempestuousness seems, to me, to have manifested in another physical manner as well. Regardless of my own tiny sin of "headcanoning" her as a lesbian, there's the other side to this competent swordswoman — not the one in the heat of battle, getting up close to her enemies in order to slash them down, but in the proximity shared with her sisters, her body language and closeness to them.

Season one shows us a detached, distant Mother Superion who almost never directly touches the other women. In season two's flashback, however, our Warrior Nun Suzanne strokes Shannon's cheek before whatever halo trick she pulls in pressing down on Shannon's chest. There's an easy familiarity there, a confidence in breaching Shannon's personal space — an intimacy as well as the conviction to assert it. Whether this type of gesture was exclusive to Shannon or dispensed on the other nuns as well matters not so much as the fact that it happened and how it contrasts with the Mother Superion we know of the first season. I'd guess that young Suzanne wasn't all that keen on repressing the ways by which her body, then still wholly able, interacted with those of her sisters. Opening up to touch as she does throughout season two, slowly as it might be, might not be a novelty as much as a "coming home" for her, regaining some of her lost confidence in her very ability to love other women — or express it, rather. It wouldn't be far-fetched to assume that the guilt she felt for being a sinner encompassed more than just the grief of killing a mother...

Liberal closeness to other nuns alongside a lack of discipline mustn't have garnered her a great many favours in her time with the Church... So I suppose her combat skills, her sharp focus, and her devotion to the cause must have spoken louder than her blatant (cardinal sin of) pride when she rose to the position of halo-bearer.

And maybe, just maybe, the fact that there was someone to vouch for her played a part in it as well.

Mary had a mentor and a protector in father Vincent and I suspect something of their relationship might be mirrored in how young Suzanne might have sought guidance in an ambitious, younger father Francesco. They "go back many years", Vincent tries to sway a reticent Mother Superion by claiming Duretti used "her history" against her... It's possible that a young Suzanne, like Mary, would have depended on a man of the cloth to secure her place within the OCS even as her very personality at times clashed with the demands of the institution. Men who, for one reason or another, could help direct these young and ferocious women's energies towards a specific goal, give them a purpose. Needless to say both Suzanne and Mary seem to stay on board for the same reason, even if as Mother Superion Suzanne might have later repressed it: their sisters.

For all of Suzanne's cockiness, she does quite obviously do it all for them.

So to sum up my vision of young Suzanne and move on: I see her as a brash, somewhat rebellious girl in need of a cause through which to channel her passions and a speciality to prove herself to others (given how she is already so sure of her own value). As far as faith goes, she appears to have deposited it mostly in herself, which would account for a greater degree of godly devotion after losing the halo in order to expiate her sins. She's in this (always has been, even despite later shame and fear and concealment) for the women, most of all.

2) On what "modernity" might mean to Suzanne

In order to assess what modernity is, it's necessary to define the term it's contrasted with as well — we need to think of what tradition could mean for her.

And this is... Difficult. "The Church" isn't an easy way out; Duretti is part of the Church, a constant in her life, a guide... Yet Suzanne's words about needing "a more modern approach to the job" are very reminiscent of something Duretti himself had said back in that same season one scene:

There's a bit of a paradox here if we try to see things through her eyes.

Her need for "modernity" arises from another exchange with this same man. But can we say Duretti truly embodies tradition when here is a religious person who has no qualms about setting sister warriors to kill a girl who accidentally has the halo? (Well, perhaps so, given how the Catholic church is stained with terrible actions...) Suzanne might not know about the torture chamber in the Vatican, but she did help save Ava in the catacombs from the OCS rejects under his orders. She is perfectly aware of how violent he can be.

Perhaps that is in itself a part of her wanting to break out; we can't ignore the fact that the above screen captures show us his line of dialogue ending while we see a take of Beatrice offering a hand to Crimson — showing her the opposite of the ruthlessness Duretti and Crimson carry.

It's also peculiar how she mentions modernity while inside a library or archive, the very home of history and tradition. Are these the "old teachings"? This unending amount of precepts all around, gathered with the passing ages?

We wouldn't do well to argue that the blood-soaked books recounting the past or the violent strategies of Duretti are necessarily what trouble her seeing as she is still a warrior currently at war; Suzanne isn't exactly a pacifist.

However, the phone call that originates the "modern" comment is a failed attempt on her part to get Duretti to act, to take a first and definite step against Adriel — to enter the fray, as young Suzanne probably would have already.

He beckons her to "have faith in God" — and perhaps that is the issue, the "old teaching" she feels insufficient and which, examining her (possible) past as in the first part of this very long answer, was never enough for her to begin with. Heeding the words of men, believing in God... And what does that amount to shortly after they hang up? She couldn't predict the future, but she saw something wrong with the method — and the intuition proved right.

I can't tell precisely what her "modernity" entails since I cannot pinpoint "tradition" either; they seem a bit intertwined. It's tempting to say Jillian fills the role of providing the "newness" through her technology, but it isn't as if Mother Superion were a luddite: she's using a smartphone and a computer just fine, if perhaps not as modernly as Camila and her TikTok. She is not an "outdated" person. We could assume that this "modern approach" has less to do with the instruments and more with perspective, with priorities, guiding principles... On a superficial level, it's about coming out from under Duretti's wing — from Church structure's shadow, from the patriarch's rule, from following someone else's lead.

And that, funnily enough, assuming this post is in any way correct in its hypothesising, would lead us right back to our rebel from youth, if hopefully with more wisdom to guide her steps this time around.

Season three would have allowed us to see Suzanne be without the anchor of Duretti (as season two could have let us see Mary away from Vincent) and maybe elucidate the matter... But, as it is, I think this is as much as I can surmise with what we've been given!

#warrior nun #mother superion #halobearerhavoc #i am sorry for taking this long but you indulge me in my suzanne obsession so i must Write A Lot lol #analysis and similar #exercises in observation #not even gonna talk much in these tags because i've said enough!!!#correspondence

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dreaminginthedeepsouth · 2 years ago

Photo

Painting 'Christ of St. John of the Cross" by Salvidor Dali

* * * *

People love Cohens “Halleluiah”, but pound for pound I’ll take “Suzanne”, especially, the last two stanzas… "Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river You can hear the boats go by, you can spend the night beside her And you know that she's half-crazy but that's why you want to be there And she feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China And just when you mean to tell her that you have no love to give her Then she gets you on her wavelength And she lets the river answer that you've always been her lover And you want to travel with her, and you want to travel blind And then you know that she will trust you For you've touched her perfect body with your mind "Jesus was a sailor When He walked upon the water And He spent a long time watching From His lonely wooden tower And when He knew for certain Only drowning men could see Him He said,"All men will be sailors then Until the sea shall free them" But He, Himself was broken Long before the sky would open Forsaken, almost human He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone And you want to travel with him You want to travel blind And you know he will find you For he's touched your perfect body with his mind Suzanne takes your hand now And she leads you to the river She is wearing rags and feathers From Salvation Army counters And the sun pours down like honey On our, our lady of the harbor She shows you where to look Among the garbage and the flowers There are heroes in the seaweed There are children in the morning They are leaning out for love And they will lean that way forever While Suzanne holds the mirror And you want to travel with her You want to travel blind And you know she'll find you For she's touched your perfect body with her mind"

[Thanks to my blogging friend Steve Renfro]

#song lyrics #Leonard Cohen #Steve Renfro #blogging #Salvadore Dali #Christ #easter #Holy Week #Suzanne #Hallelujah #Christ of St. John of the Cross'

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onceuponastarryeye · 1 year ago

Text

books read in twenty-twenty-four

hour zero - agatha christie (5/5)

if you could see the sun - ann liang (4/5)

his last bow - arthur conan doyle (4/5)

labor and monopoly capital: the degradation of work in the twentieth century - harry braverman (4/5)

the count of monte cristo (adapted text) - alexandre dumas (3.5/5)

before we say goodbye (btcgc #4) - toshikazu kawaguchi (5/5)

contagion - robin cook (2.5/5)

beach read - emily henry (4.5/5) (rr)

death by drowning and other stories - agatha christie (5/5)

little fires everywhere - celeste ng (4.75/5)

mrs. dalloway - virginia woolf (3.5/5) (rr)

five little pigs - agatha christie (4/5)

cinema e memória - milene de cássia silveira gusmão; paulo henrique alcântara; euclides santos mendes (3.5/5)

rouge - mona awad (3.75/5)

first love - ivan turguêniev (4/5)

the moving finger - agatha christie (3.5/5)

the memory police - yoko ogawa (5/5)

entre flechas e sapatos de cristal: fadas madrinhas s.a - kézia garcia (4.5/5)

the hunger games (thg #1) - suzanne collins (5/5) (rr)

the next girl - karla kovach (3/5)

the invisible man - h. g. wells (3.5/5)

death comes at the end - agatha christie (4/5)

welcome to the hyunam-dong bookstore - hwang bo-reum (4/5)

teias mortais - bel rodrigues, felipe castilho, jim anotsu, luisa geisler, samir machado de machado (5/5)

catching fire (thg #2) - suzanne collins (5/5) (rr)

introdução à filosofia de bergson - paulo césar rodrigues (4/5)

the very secret society of irregular witches - sangu mandanna (4.5/5)

the hollow - agatha christie (3.5/5)

hold tight - harlan coben (2.75/5)

the atlas complex (tas #3) - olivie blake (3/5)

todas as minhas libelulas (memórias dos pardes #1) - gabrielli casseta (5/5)

uma aprendizagem ou o livro dos prazeres - clarice lispector (5/5)

mockingjay (thg #3) - suzanne collins (5/5) (rr)

seis doses de culpa - luther alt (4/5)

the labours of hercules - agatha christie (4/5)

emily wilde's encyclopedia of faeries (eweof #1) - heather fawcett (4/5)

a man lay dead - ngaio marsh (4/5)

manual de cortej para princesas desencantadas - alien, maina, lyra, gabi, raquel & dulci (5/5)

taken at the flood - agatha christie (4/5)

capitalismo de plataformas - nick srnicek (4/5)

the reapperance of rachel price - holly jackson (4/5)

funny story - emily henry (4.25/5)

normal people - sally rooney (5/5) (rr)

18 brumário - karl marx (3.25/5)

extraordinary stories - edgar allan poe (4.25/5)

roteiro perfeito - vi carvalho (4/5)

they came to baghdad - agatha christie (4/5)

the familiar - leigh bardugo (4/5)

cidades pequenas não guardam seguredos - kézia garcia (5/5)

método científico: uma abordagem ontológica - ivo tonet (3.5/5)

the starless sea - erin morgenstern (5/5)

jantar secreto - raphael montes (3.75/5)

mrs. mcginty's dead - agatha christie (4/5)

atenciosamente, seu primeiro amor - tatielle katluryn (3.5/5)

the poverty of theory -edward thompson (2.5/5)

penance - eliza clarke (4/5)

the time machine - h. g. wells (3.75/5)

they do it with mirrors - agatha christie (4/5)

nothing more to tell - karen mcmanus (3.75/5)

persuasion - jane austen (5/5) (rr)

a sound of thunder - ray bradbury (4/5)

the chalk man - c.j. tudor (3.75/5)

after the funeral - agatha christie (3.5/5)

a hundred years of solitude - gabriel garcia marquez (4/5)

ariel - sylvia plath (3.75/5)

i'm the girl - courtney summers (3/5)

a pocket full of rye - agatha christie (4/5)

the piano (creepers series) - edgar j. hyde (3.75/5)

natural beauty - ling ling huang (3.5/5)

northanger abbey - jane austen (5/5) (rr)

uma estrada de histórias - rúbia albuquerque (3/5)

o amor é como a lua - vi carvalho (4/5)

into the drowning deep (rolling in the deep #1) - mira grant (5/5)

destination unknown - agatha christie (4/5)

gentilmente, amor - gabrielli casseta, kell carvalho, vi carvalho, maina mattos (4/5)

whose body? - dorothy l. sayers (3.75/5)

o ardil da flexibilidade - sadi dal rosso (3.5/5)

hickory, dickory, dock - agatha christie (3/5)

joyland - stephen king (4/5)

a detetive ruby johnson e o mistério da mesa 44 - noemi de paula (2.5/5)

the secret history - donna tartt (5/5) (rr)

rolling in the deep (rolling in the deep #0.5) - mira grant (3.75/5)

4:50 from paddington - agatha christie (4.5/5)

a mulher na sociedade de classes: mito e realidade - heleith saffioti (4.25/5)

the woman in cabin 10 - ruth ware (2.75/5)

days at the morisaki bookstore - satoshi yagisawa (4.5/5)

intermezzo - sally rooney (3.5/5)

house of hollow - krystal sutherland (4/5)

crime and punishment - fyodor dostoevsky (4/5)

the pale horse - agatha christie (4.5/5)

the other turn of the screw - henry james (4.5/5)

two sides to every murder - danielle valentine (3.5/5)

história das mulhers no brasil - mary del priori (3.5/5)

the frightened lady - edgar wallace (3/5)

cat among the pigeons - agatha christie (3.75/5)

the da vinci code - dan brown (3/5)

some choose darkness - charlie donlea (4/5)

twelfth night - william shakespeare (3.5/5)

orlando - viriginia woolf (3/5)

the mirror crack'd from side to side - agatha christie (4.5/5)

emily wilde's map of the otherlands (eweof #2) - heather fawcett (4.5/5)

memórias póstumas de brás cubas - machado de assis (4/5)

the clocks - agatha christie (3/5)

entre vestidos de noiva e bolinhos de baunilha - kézia garcia (4/5)

before we forget kindness (btcgc #5) - toshikazu kawaguchi (4.25.5)

meu amor agridoce - aline moretho (5/5)

the only one left - riley seager (3.5/5)

a caribbean mystery - agatha christie (4/5)

the cat who saved books - sōsuke natsukawa (3/5)

the colossus & other poems - sylvia plath (5/5)

good wives (little women #1, part 2) - louisa may alcott (3/5)

babel - r.f. kuang (4/5)

at bertram's hotel - agatha christie (3.5/5)

the lady of shalott - alfred tennyson (5/5)

one left alive - helen phifer (2.25/5)

água viva - clarice lispector (5/5)

the patient - jasper dewitt (4/5)

the answer is no - fredrik backman (5/5)

lovers at the museum - isabel allende (3.75/5)

a espera - lygia fagundes telles (4/5)

#another reading year!!#photos not mine btw #books #bea talks books #9 books read in january #little fires everywhere rewired my brain idk how to rate it or to think about it really #reading the memory police as a memory masters student was a great experience 10/10 recommend #11 books in february bc it's my last month of vacation before classes begin again....#tais mortais (deadly webs????) is a short stroy collection inspired by agatha chrstie and I LOVED IT #10 books in march yaaay!!!#9 books in april!!!#8 books in may... good enough #THE STARLESS SEA????!!!!!!!#11 books in june!!!!!!!!#persuasion is still the best book in the world is a masterpiece is a map to my soul #9 books in july #northanger abbey my beloved #10 books in august #9 books in September!#9 books in october!!!#100 books by november 18th!#9 books in december!!!#one left alive officially takes gold for worst mystery book I've read this year (so far with a week left until the end of the year)#clarice lispector never lets me down (only emotionally)#15 books in december!!!!#120 books in 2024. a personal best.

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